Thursday, 29 April 2010

Humpfest - A rant, not a review

So, this isn't a review, it's a rant.

Lee, Adam and I were sat around in our front room when we were flicking through the On Demand films. We decided we would pay to watch a film.

Skimming through them, we came across one called "Humpfest", we read the synopsis. It was something like this:

"After several years of being married to his wife, Ben gets a visit from his old best friend.. let's say.. Joe. Ben and Joe get heavily drunk and decide to make a pornographic movie."

We decide we'll watch it. It might be funny, plus the men might be really good looking. I guess this falls under the catorgory of "Gay cinema", which i'm a sucker for.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong. An incredibly serious film about two ugly middle aged bearded men. Great stuff...

We talked over the most of the film, it was weird, awful and mind numbingly boring.

It gets to the final scene where they finally decide they are going to make the porno. They say it's art, two straight men having sex with one another is art.... apparantly.

They take their clothes off, they put their clothes on again, they take their clothes off, then put them on again, they take them off again, then they kiss, say it's weird, put their clothes back on, take them off again, put them on again, order milkshake and go home.

Then it ends.

SERIOUSLY? Stop wasting my time you ridiculous excuses for movies!

Monday, 26 April 2010

Orange Face

University - it costs, correct me if i'm wrong, £3225 a year. Now that's a lot of money, plus for the most of us we have to pay to support ourselves for a minimum of three years. Of course a lot of people go home for the summer, which helps, but again some of us have to support ourselves over the summer too.

And what does that cover I ask you? Not everything. You have to pay for printing and parking. Printing off my 342 page coursework at 10p a sheet, was not cheap, I assure you.

So, I ask you, what do you want to get out of the best part of £10,000 plus interest and three years of your time. Some people will answer "A good piss up." To those people I would like to introduce them to the phrase "Any spare change please?" as i'm quite sure they will be needing it rather sharpish.

The people who say "A degree" fair enough, but £10,000, is a degree really enough?

A degree isn't enough for me, I want a 1st, work experience, life experience, refrences, things published, I want the whole shabang; after all you wouldn't pay an extorianate price for anything else, unless it was the best of the best, would you?

Today, as I'm sat in the library, in the quiet area, a rabble of blonde bimbos approach their hard working friend next to me.

"Oi, what ya doing daan here? Working? You geek."

I try to ignore them but when i hear one of them shout.

"Stop working, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd, you're such a swat. I've finished mine, I don't care what grade I get, as long as I pass so I don't have to do it again."

Alright orange face, can you fuck off out of this library before I am forced to hit a woman? - Is what I would have liked to say, but the better part of me said politely.

"Would you mind keeping it down please, thanks."

To which i get the response.

"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard."
"..." I turn back and try to get on with my work. She's relentless.
"What makes you think you have the right to talk to me like that pretty boy?"
"Well you're in the silent study area of the library, shouting your mouth off, and distracting your friend, and me, who are both trying to work."
"You're just jelous coz you could never get with a girl like me."
"Firstly. I'm gay, secondly, even if you were a 6 foot 5 Abocrombie and Fitch model, I wouldn't even consider talking to you because of your disgusting personality."
"You're gay? Ohhh I'm well sorry. I've always wanted a gay best friend."
"I've always wanted a gay best friend. What's your name?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah." She smiles.

Oh lord. I gather my things and leave, the people around me do the same.

If that girl passes her degree please just tie me a noose and say your goodbyes, because you won't be seeing much of me after that.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Just Another Half a Cup

After my obviously failed attempt at making a quiche I was reminded of my Mother's similar attitude when it comes to measuring.

I was visiting my parents in Spain in January and they happily showed me their new bonzai tree.
"Look, isn't it lovely"
"Yeah, it's nice."
"Don't you just love how it curls and twists."
"Yeah. How much did it cost you."
"Oh, nevermind."

My Mum, regardless of my Dad telling her 500 times only to give it one cup of water a day, returns to give it a second cup.

"Anna! Don't water it any more"
"Why? It was looking a bit droopy."
"Only one cup a day or you'll waterlog it."

5 minutes later she appears with another cup of water.
"What are you doing with that?"
"Just watering the bonzai"
"I told you, you'll over water it and it'll die."
"Just one more"
"It won't hurt". She pours it in.
"Okay, but no more!"
"Okay, just another half a cup"
"Just a sprinkle?"
"No" she returns with another full cup.
"Anna! Don't! It's very expensive, you're going to kill it." She pours it in.
"It's nice don't you think Cal." My Dad continues to yell at her but she talks to me oblivious. "Don't you just love how it twists. We put this sun catcher on it. Do you think it's nice?"
"I'll just give it a bit more water."
"Anna! Don't you dare!"
"Okay. I'll wait till tomorrow."

My Dad leaves the room. My Mum waits till he is out of sight and gives it another three cups. "Don't tell your father."

I wonder how that Bonzai is doing now, probably about as well as my quiche.


Do you want to bake a quiche lorraine omelette pie as wonderful as this!? Then follow this simple guide!

A friend of mine, when asked what super power he could have, if any, said "The ability to make quiche by simply snapping ones fingers". Well this is nearly as simple.

For the pastry

175g/6oz Plain flour (Whatever looks about right)
75g/2¾oz butter (3 spoonfulls should do it)

For the filling

250g/9oz Grated English cheddar. (About 12 slices)

4 tomatoes 1 tomatoe
200g/7oz 2 rashers of bacon chopped
5 eggs 1 egg
100ml/3½fl oz milk - (Just pour some in)
200ml/7fl oz double cream
freshly ground black pepper
2 sprigs of fresh thyme

1. To make the pastry, sift the flour together with a pinch of salt in a large bowl. Rub in the butter until you have a soft breadcrumb texture. Add enough cold water to make the crumb mixture come together to form a firm dough, and then rest it in the fridge for 30 minutes.
2. Roll out the pastry on a light floured surface and line a 22cm/8½inch well-buttered flan dish. Don't cut off the edges of the pastry yet. Chill again.
3. Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/Gas 5.
4. Remove the pastry case from the fridge and line the base of the pastry with baking parchment and then fill it with baking beans. Place on a baking tray and bake blind for 20 minutes. Remove the beans and parchment and return to the oven for another five minutes to cook the base
5. Reduce the temperature of the oven to 160C/325F/Gas 3.
6. Sprinkle the cheese into the pastry base and add the sliced tomatoes if you are using them. Fry the bacon pieces until crisp and sprinkle over them over the top.
7. Combine the eggs with the milk and cream in a bowl and season well. Pour over the bacon and cheese. Sprinkle the thyme over the top and trim the edges of the pastry.
8. Bake for 30-40 minutes or until set. Remove from the oven and allow to cool and set further.
9. Trim the pastry edges to get a perfect edge and then serve in wedges.

Smash it together in a bowl and put it in the oven.

It tastes and looks awful but at least you can tell all your friends you made a quiche from scratch!

Friday, 23 April 2010

Damn You God/Buddha/Superman!

Whatever or whoever you believe in: The cosmos; God; A plethora of Gods; An all-seeing, all-knowing, omnipotent pot of jam; or batman, you have to admit whatever, or whoever it is, enjoys fucking about with us.

For coursework I needed a copy of The Jerry Springer Opera, to quote and reference, I looked in HMV, CEX, Even blockbuster. Nothing. I searched the University library, although they had a copy, it refused to work. I even tried to illegally watch it online be morale and never consider doing anything of the sort.

After much stress I simply left out the quote, possibly losing me marks, and got a reference off the internet.

Today - the day after finishing and printing my essay - I step into the pound shop an extremely classy shop. Sure enough there is The Jerry Springer Opera sitting on the shelf for 99p.

I left the shop in a huff, then came back 5 minutes later and bought it.

Damn you God/Buddha/Superman. Damn you!

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Manly Cider Drinking Friends

[Adam's Birthday - Mojito's and Purple Rain in hand, standing around in an uncomfortable circle]

"Everyone introduce yourself, say your name, where you're from, and an interesting fact."

"I'm [insert generic name], i'm from [insert generic place], i once [insert generic anedcote]."

"[same as above]"

"I'm Lee, I'm from Nottingham, and i can put a strawberry lace in my mouth and pull it out of my nose."

"How old are you..?" one of Adam's neighbours (Who has a terribly offensive nick-name which I won't repeat here... *cough* hairline *cough*) replies.

"The legal age" Lee winks back and makes everything awkward. After a long silence somebody interupts.

"Well I'm [insert generic name], i'm from [insert generic place], i once [insert generic anecdote].

"I'm Cal. I'm from Derby, and i was voted Britain's sexiest man three years running."

"Really!?" somebody gullible asks.

"No, but I am a good liar."

"Not a man though are you..."

Disheartened I sit between my manly cider drinking friends. After the terrible ice-breaker games end the manly friend to my right speaks up. "You know that blog post you wrote, Sol Campbell?"
"Apparantly Sol Campbell came out as gay."
"What? Seriously!?"

If Sol Campbell is gay, there's no hope for the rest of us. Seriously, have you seen how manly he is!?

Adam's liverpudlian neighbour overhears our conversation and approaches.

"So Cal, how come I didn't appear in your blog." I hide behind one of my manly friends legs. "I'm sorry err."
"Am I not interesting enough for you?"
"No it's just errr."
"We went to the Jonty Farmer together... and you didn't even write about me!"
"I'm sorry!"
"I only went because I thought you might write about me!"
"Yeah, you never mentioned me either!" Somebody else pipes up from behind.
"We've not really met." I defend myself.
"Or me!" Somebody else shouts.
"Oh God."

Well i've written about you all now. HAPPY!?

If I knew i'd get harassed by countless men for sharing anecdotes in a blog I would have never started it... wait... what am I saying? Being harassed by countless men is a dream come true surely. More harrasment please.


Gay Maths

[The Walk Home with Jessy]

"So, there's not many decent gay men out there?"
"No, not really."
"I've only ever met like two i've really liked"
"What's the ratio, straight to gay?"
"I don't know. It's like 1:10 and rising apparantly. But I don't believe it's that high, where are they all hiding?. I recon one day it'll be like 50/50.. you know when everyone comes out."
"That'd be unfair though. Because then there'd be more gay couples."
"Why would there?"
"if 50% of people were gay, that'd be 50% of men, 50% of women. Yeah?"
"So that's 25% and 25%, and then 25% and 25% so there would be then 50% and 25% so there'd be more gay couples. Do you get what i mean?"
"No, i really don't. Where did you get 25% from?"
"RIGHT. If 50% of people were gay, that'd be 50% of women, 50% of men. so 25% lesbian, 25% gay, 50% straight."
"So, then the lesbians would be together, making 25% of people. and 25% of gays would be together, so that'd be 50%"
"Right? I don't understand."
"Oh for god sake Cal. It's simple."
"It's not bloody simple."
"Okay if men were blue and women were yellow. men and men make blue, and women and women make yellow. So women and men make green. See?"
"it's simple!"
"Adding colours just made things more confusing... so 33% of people would be gay, 33% lesbian, 33% straight. So straights would be a minority?"
"No.. where did you get 33%"
"I don't know Jess... I just don't know anymore."
"Gay maths. Let's not try it again."

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

The Music Man

One of the largest annoyances I have is housemate Lee, constantly playing his guitar - that i foolishly bought him - well paid half for. That sounds really nasty and bitter of me, but I like his music, i really do.

But when he turns off your favourite programme half way through without asking, because he NEEDS to practise, or when he says don't make ANY noise for the next four hours because he's recording, it is a nuisance! I'm not even aloud to cook, in case the oven makes a noise when he's recording, fair enough, but I live here too mister!

Anyway. You can listen to some of his music on his new myspace - and please do, because not only has he put a ton of effort in, suffering through his guitar playing antics is a burden on me too!

Even though I have to endure these minor annoyances, I fully support him all the way, when i hear his songs the first time I always think they're great, by about the 50th time I still think there good! But naturally by the 1000th hearing of them, I do get a bit bored, but hey, if you play Kylie, or Hadouken, or any other music I love to me enough, i'll sure enough get bored of that too.

This man puts a lot of heart and soul into his music, when I wake up, if he is already up I can guarantee I will find him sat upstairs in his chair, singing and strumming, squeezing effort out of every inch of his body.

I've said it once, and i'll say it again, go visit his myspace and have a little listen. - Back up plan is my favourite.

Monday, 19 April 2010

A Possibly Offensive Post. Eek.

I went to the library to try and get some work done today... After searching the shelves for a copy or Romeo & Juliet for a good 15 minutes, I stumbled upon. "Manlove. The gap in Shakespeare." I found it funny, and proceded to text my friend Jessy. She turns up a few minutes later to investigate... "Cal, Cal, Cal..."
"Read it again".
"Manlove. The Gap in Shakespeare."
"No look. The Gap in Shakespeare... BY... Colin N. Manlove."
"Oh. You ruin all my fun Jess." - At which point there is a power cut. The people in the library not fortunate enough to be working on a laptop, go into a deranged panic and act as if they are on the Titanic.

Oh for God sake...

So, now i'm at home, and distracted by foolish spam emails. I thought I'd share one with you, with my own personal commentary.

Dear Friend, - (friend?)

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose I make this contact with you as I believe that you can be of great assistance to me. -

(Excellent English skills there)

my name is Mr.Sango Ali, from Ouagadougou Republic of BURKINA FASO, WestAfrica.

(Ouagadougou - Is that really a place? Wikipedia says yes, hmm. I want to go!)

Presently I work in the Bank as telex manager. I have been searching foryour contact since you left our country some years ago .

(Ah yes, I remember when i left Ouagadougou a few years ago. A sad day for my African family)

I do not know whether this is your correct email address or not because Ionly used your name initials to search for your contact in the internet .

(I'm always searching for people's contacts in the internet..?)

Incase you are not the person I am supposed to contact, please see this as aconfidential message and do not reveal it to another person but if you are notthe intended receiver, do let me know whether you can be of assistanceregarding my proposal below because it is top secret.

(I see.... Top Secret? Could that be because you want my bank details by any chance? Brilliant use of the space bar too!)

I am about to retire fromactive Bank service to start a new life but I am sceptical to reveal thisparticular secret to a stranger.

(Wait, i thought we were friends?)

You must assure me that everything will be handled confidentially because weare not going to suffer again in life. It has been 10 years now that most ofthe greedy African Politicians used our bank to Launder money overseas through the helpof their Political advisers.

(Damn those greedy African Politicians! Always trying to launder money oversees from Ouagadougou)

It goes on for about 2000 more words. Then he asks for my bank details and sort code. He also asks me if i can send him a copy of my passport. Seriously?

...Okay, Mr. Sango Ali. I'll get right on that.

Just a thought...

Me: You know how they have a hen night, and a stag party?
Lee: Yeah?
Me: Well, why isn't it a stag party and a doe night...
Lee: ...
Me: Or a hen night and a cock party?
Lee: A cock party? Well why do you think...

Thursday, 15 April 2010

The Odd Couple Meets Toy Story:
'Arby 'n' the Chief in L.A'

A spin-off from the original Arby ‘n’ The Chief by Jon Graham, Arby ‘n’ The Chief in L.A delivers the same comedy, characters and bizarre unique story-lines that the original series offered. Like the original series it features the duo-protagonists, Arbiter, and The Chief; action figurines from the popular game ‘Halo’. Fear not though, for people like myself, who have never in fact played Halo, it makes no difference, the comedy value is still there.

The clever use of Microsoft Sam, and Microsoft Mike as the voices of Arbiter and The Chief adds an interesting, unique depth to the characters. Their simple monotone voices spouting out intellectual and nonsensical sentences is the perfect juxtaposition for such a bizarre comedy series.

The whole series is subtitled, Arbiter’s speech is written and punctuated perfectly, where as The Chief’s speech is full of slang, text speak, emoticons, bad spelling and has a complete lack of punctuation, making a complete parody out of the way some of us talk to one another over the internet.

The back and fourth between Arbiters intellectual down to earth comments and The Chief’s nonsensical, ‘Your Mom’ joke ridden, logic, is as clear and funny as ever.

"Chief: butt i wantz 2 go 2 teh zuu

Arbiter: We’re homeless, and if anyone sees us we’re screwed. Going to the fucking zoo is the last thing on the list of shit we should be doing right now.

Chief: y cannot peepul c us?

Arbiter: Because we’re action figurines. We’re alive, don’t ask me why, and it’s completely illogical. So illogical that if people find out we’re alive, we’ll probably get taken by the government.

Chief: c00

Arbiter: No, not cool. They’d perform experiments on us constantly and probably never let us go.

Chief: liek in dick strik 69?

Arbiter: District 9. Yes, they’d dismantle us, shove stuff up our asses… God knows what else.

Chief: dat muvi waznt r337 faggut

Arbiter: No shit, but alien experimentation is!

Chief: ur belivz in… al3enz!1?

Arbiter: Yeah, I do!

Chief: LOLOLOLOLOL u r belivz in al3enz!

Arbiter: Yes, I happen to believe that within our massive, ever-expanding universe, there are some other forms of life. How fucking farfetched.

Chief: ROFL dumba$$

Arbiter: Well if Earth is the only populated planet, why is the universe so immense?

Chief: bcuz dipsh17, g0d iz fukin hug3 n nedz a lot of r00m 2 sit n waatch uz n mak suer wez r alll g00d.

Arbiter: Wow, that is so retarded. Why is the universe constantly expanding then?

Chief: cuz g0d r alwyz sittng dowrn n ateing stufz whil h3 watchz uz s0 he getz reely fat and ned moar r00m 2 sit.

Arbiter: So not only has God been sitting on a fucking bean bag chair in outer space for the past hundred billion years, eating from some outer space mini-fridge, but he’s a giant life form susceptible to hunger and obesity? Why hasn’t he died of old age or diabetes or something?

Chief: bcuz hez g0d n he e4t hellthee stufz liek selad.

Arbiter: Eating a fucking salad doesn’t make you invincible! Plus you said God gets really fat! And how does he even breathe in space if there’s no fucking oxygen?

Chief: g0d doezn ned oxyGENz. hez g0d, reTard…

Arbiter: Why the hell does he need food then?

Chief: cuz hez hungree. h3rp turp.

Arbiter: I can’t comprehend the stupidity of this conversation. You’re completely illogical.

Chief: sew iz teh fax taht wez iz aliv3 u evan sed. s0 fux u.

Arbiter: How the hell did I lose that argument? Jesus Christ I should just kill myself. Hey! Where are you going!

Chief: teh zuu.”

- From Arby ‘n’ the Chief in LA: Episode 3: “Lost”

Characters who spend the most of their time playing computer games, and mouthing off at one another is always a good watch, my advice is to give both the old, and new versions of this show a watch, you never know, you just might like it.

On the downside the episodes aren’t nearly as long as the episodes in the last series, but the standard is still high. The use of music is a lot different from the original series too, instead of using music from popular culture, it has its own limited sound track. The music fits well, adding tension and suspense at the right moments. The only thing I could say that is missing from the spin off series is the lack of tender moments between Arbiter and The Chief. At each others throats all the time, the tender moments really showed the friendship between them.

New characters such as Mario, Luigi and Sonic all feature in the new series, playing on Italian and drug addict stereotypes, adding a new dimension to the show. Mario the violent, pasta loving, leader of the new characters, has outbursts of domestic violence towards his brother Luigi and Drug addict Sonic. Making use of real voice actors, instead of using the Microsoft voice programmes, works well, however, if listening to the series with the speakers on loud, some of the voices, *cough* Sonic *cough*, can begin to get annoying. Although the annoyance is probably somewhat intended, it’s still annoying, and that’s never good.

The series features a lot of references to computer games, and some game footage too, it doesn’t detract from the story line, if you’re into computer games, then this is an extra bonus, and if you’re not, like me, don’t worry, it’s still easy to understand and just as entertaining.

Both the original and the spin-off are equally as brilliant, but have their differences. The spin-off does seem to appeal more to the gaming community, whereas the original series was more accessible to everyone.

Some of the episodes start off slow, so, for any first time viewers if you don’t like the first minute or two, give it a chance, if you still don’t like it by the end, chances are this is not for you.

Arby ‘n’ the Chief in ‘L.A’.:

Arby ‘n’ the Chief:. The Original Series.

Arby ‘n’ the Chief The Short Movie:

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

The Fabulous Life of Cal

I would like to thank my readers, however a small number that might be, I finally have reached 1000 views. Following in the foot steps of my dear friend (the one I call Grandma). She has 29x as many views as me. Not that it's a competition!
(And do because it's full of wit and naughty words!)
It was a cold November night when she forced me to create my blog. I say forced, I wanted to jump on the bandwagon of her succesful blog, but was procrasinating instead of doing it.

After drinking one too many cocktails, (not that I can remember if that is what we were in fact doing, but the likelihood of that is high), and probably looking up 'Ewan Mcgreggor naked' not that either of us find him remotely attractive but because we were intriegued and apparantly he had been naked in a film... Wait, I can't speak for my friend. Maybe she DOES find Ewan Mcgreggor attractive... Is that possible?

I digress. We were trying to book tickets for 'A Christmas Quangle Wangle'.

My friend recited the first few lines over and over for the next few days it went a little something like this.

"Atop the crumpety tree
The quangle wangle sat
But his face you could not see
On account of his beaver hat
............................................. wide
With ribbons and bibbons on every side."

Something like that. We couldn't book tickets, because I was being slightly sinical, and arranging dates around our...*cough*... her busy schedule was somewhat difficult. I say slightly sinical, but that's a lie, I was being a massive prick.

"Look at this trailer of 'Closer' on youtube."
"Okay... It looks crap..."

Hmmph. Anyway, one thing lead to another and my friend starts creating my blog for me.

"And what shall we name it?"

"The Fabulous Life of Cal? You can always change it later..."

"I like it. The Fabulous Life of Cal."

And the Fabulous Life of Cal it has remained. Thanks Grandma.

A mechanised four legged nostalgic animal that a Mum with kids might buy?

I wake up. Lee has already got out of bed and is upstairs. I go to walk upstairs, as soon as my foot reaches the bottom step, the stairs creak. I hear Lee rush to the living room door upstairs and appear at the top of the staircase.
"You can't come up!"
"What, why?"
"You just can't!"
"I'm looking at porn!"
"No you're not. Are you shopping for a Birthday present?"

Six hours later.

"I can't keep it a secret anymore. Do you want to know what it is?"
"Erm. No, my Birthday isn't for over a month."
"But I can't keep a secret anymore!"
"I want to wait."
"Do you want a clue?"
"Okay, well it's something a Mum with kids might buy."
"Do you want another clue?"
"Well it's something nostalgic."
"Do you want another clue?"
"Well it's something to do with a four legged animal."
"And it's a machine."
"So a mechanised four legged nostalgic animal that a Mum with kids might buy?"

Can you figure out what it is?

Well. I leave the room, I come back five minutes later. As I open the door and walk in Lee shouts. "No don't come in!" I see a blender on the screen.

"You got me a blender?"
"No, it's a slushy machine."
"Cool, we can make alcoholic slushies... but... how is that anything to do with a four legged animal?"
"Slush PUPPY!"
"I see."
"Don't worry i'll get you another suprise for your Birthday."
"Okay... but please don't give it away this time."
"I won't. I'll buy you two gifts for every gift I accidently tell you."

Safe to say I'm going to have thousands of gifts by my Birthday... Hooray!

Friday, 9 April 2010

I've told you once and i'll tell you again...

Life is full of it's little trials and tribulations, the most annoying though, is the false accusation.

After visiting the rude lady at the box office trying to buy tickets for the Lady Boys of Bangkok we return to the car park to get in Adam's car. We sensibly go up the stairs, pay at the machine, go to his car and drive down to the bottom floor. As we approach the barrier a man steps out of his office and watches us as we drive towards him. He looks furious.

Adam: Why does he look so angry?
Me: Maybe he's confused as of to why a twelve year old is driving
Adam: Seriously though, he looks really cross.

We reach the barrier, Adam winds down his window and goes to put his ticket into the barrier machine. The man snatches it off him.

"I've told you once, and i'll tell you again. Don't mess about with the machines!
"What. What machines?"
"You know exactly what I mean. Don't play dumb with me."

Adam looks up at him with his terrified bush baby eyes.

"But.. but.."
"Don't fuck about with the machines. If i catch you again!"
"But, I didn't do anything."
"I watched you on the CCTV!"
"Don't mess about with the machines!"
"Okay. Yeah. Fine. Whatever."

Adam takes back his ticket and puts it into the machine. The barrier opens and we drive away. The car park attendant has turned scarlet with rage.

"I just don't understand..."
"What did you do Adam?"
"It's only 'cause your a teenager. If you were a middle aged bloke he wouldn't dare say anything"
"Doesn't matter anyway. I'll ring to complain then i'll go back tomorrow and see if he dares talk to me like that again." He smiles wickedly.

The lesson here is don't mess with gingers. If you do they'll ring your superiors and complain.


At Grandmas. (My actual Grandma, not my friend 'Grandma'!)

Brother: My hair is receeding.
Mother: No it's not. It's fine, don't be silly.
Brother: It is look!
Grandma: It's fine!
Me: It really is fine!
Grandma: If anything your brothers hair is worse. Look.

She pushes my hair back.

Grandma: See, his hair has receeded much more than yours.
Me: Thanks...
Grandma: Oh don't you start.
Brother: Calum's hair is fine. I'm losing mine...
Grandma: Cal's forehead is much bigger than yours. See!
Me: Thanks...
Brother: Mum, when are you going to have a baby?
Mother: What? Where did that come from?
Brother: I want a little baby to play with
Father: Well make your own!
Brother: I might get a mohican
Grandma: Don't be such a nit!
Brother: Well not like a propper mohican, like a flat one.
Me: Like a mohawk?
Brother: No like a mohican but not shaved...
Grandma: So what is this magazine you're going to work for called?
Me: Attitude
Grandma: And what do they do?
Me: It's a lifestyle magazine
Grandma: Well what kind of lifestyle
Me: Erm..
Grandma: Like movie stars and things?
Me: Yeah! Movie stars and things...
Mother: Cal, your fringe is all square
Me: I know the hairdresser messed it up
Mother: I want to cut it. And the sides. It's awful
Me: Thanks Mum...
Brother: My hair line is receeding
Father: Oh shut up! Look at mine!
Grandma: Don't be so stupid. You all have lovely hair.

*On the drive home we pass our old house*

Father: Oh look my daffodils have come up nice
Mother: Your daffodils? They're not yours anymore
Father: Well I bloody well planted them.
Mother: We sold the house though darling
Father: They look like they need a good water
Mother: Don't slow down, they'll think we're stalking them or something. Drive past quick!
Father: Do you think they'd mind if I went round to water the plants?

Good times, but seriously one word. Facepalm.

This has got to stop!

School boy pranks have arisen in our household. As annoying/childish as it seems, it's rather quite fun, even though I am always on the recieving end of it.

Lee: I have a easter suprise for you!
Me: An easter egg!?
Lee: Close your eyes and you'll see.

I close my eyes.

Lee: Put out your hand

I put out my hand and feel something gooey and unpleasent. I open my eyes and my hand is in the bacon grease full frying pan -Thanks Lee.

Over the week he then proceeded to salt my hair, and tell an old teacher I'm into 'water-sports' and 'belgian chocolate'. He then took me to HMV, and as we were looking at world and gay cinema, he decides to shout the following.

"We'll get that Justin Bieber poster you wanted in a minute. You've been going on about it all week! Oh now look... you've pissed yourself. We'll find somewhere to clean you up." To which I walked out of the shop in embarassment. He proceeded to follow me shouting "What about your Justin Bieber poster" all the way up the street. I hate Justin Bieber!

He then recruited Adam. I foolishly left my facebook open and went into the kitchen. They got straight into my facebook chat.

Adam & Lee pretending to be me: Hey sexy.
Adam's straight neighbour: Hi...
Adam & Lee pretending to be me: I was just in the shower, thinking about you, then i saw you online so I thought we'd have a chat. So Hi ;).
Adam's straight neighbour: Ok...

Thanks for that boys. Appreciate it, I really do. I'll get you back though! You'll see!