Monday, 26 July 2010


Apparantly trying to be a serious journalist isn't the in thing anymore. Put on a tutu and fart and you're in. Though I was in the shortlisted 30 out of over 1000 for 4music's Blogstar competition I didn't get through to the final 5. Unhappy face, but oh well. I really enjoyed doing it. Thanks to Lee and Jessy for helping out <3.

My written entry:
Lady to Princess
In 2009 Rimmel London and 4Music crowned Beyoncé the World’s Greatest Popstar, but as we know, in the music industry things aren’t always made to last. Just take a look at the Sugababes, now go back ten years. Spot the difference? With this in mind, in awe of the sheer variety of fierce ladies in the charts this summer, I took to the streets to find who the Great British public think deserves to be pop princess of summer 2010 and who could be gunning for Beyoncé’s crown.

3rd Place: Katy Perry

Not only is she currently topping the charts with the deliciously addictive California Gurls but sitting right in the public eye she has been known to be the centre of scandal over the last couple of years. I Kissed a Girl controversy aside her love life has been about as predictable as Shakira’s dance moves. Canning Gym Class Heroes front man Travis McCoy she moved on to funny man Russell Brand. We thought they were engaged till her tongue slipped on The Graham Norton Show where she said “Life’s never dull with him, that’s why I married him.” A secret marriage perhaps? My guess would be her Facebook relationship status reads: It’s complicated. She always keeps us guessing, and if for nothing else, we love her for it.

2nd Place: Kylie Minogue

Kylie, my personal favourite, may have fallen to number 11 with All The Lovers but she’s still greatly loved by the public and takes a well deserved second place. All The Lovers has quickly spread as the summer anthem of 2010, making us jump out of our seats every time it’s on the radio. Twinned with the release of her 11th studio album Aphrodite, she’s been catapulted straight back into her I Believe In You-era fame. She’s Lucky in Love with Spanish model Andres Velencoso and has been made Aunty Kylie for the third time. It’s a good year for our favourite Aussie pop star even if she isn’t this summer’s princess.

And the winner is…

Currently number 1 in the 4music chart with Alejandro, Lady GaGa is the clear winner with 46% of the public vote. The 80’s had Madonna’s cone bra, the 90’s had Kylie’s hot pants but the 00’s and 10’s have GaGa’s inventive fashion sense; A telephone hat, heelless shoes and beer-can rollers. Only she could pull it off. Known just as much for her costumes and bizarre music videos this songstress is wickedly musically talented. Thousands of parodies, media stories, covers and costume imitations have swept the western world, including an entire episode dedicated to her on the hit show Glee. It’s not all fancy costumes with GaGa though, she showed us her diva side by firing her entire security team when a fan got on stage whilst she was touring Japan – she really is a Fame Monster. Outfits, music and persona; hats off to you Lady G, or hats on rather. A well worn 1st place.

And my video entry. I'm rather proud of it, though I kind of hate it at the same time. I despise my voice and have very little confidence when using it, especially if a camera is pointed in my face.

Survey 100+ people, now edit it down to 30 seconds.

What, seriously?

I'm grateful I got shortlisted, making this video was the most fun i've had in some time. I hope you enjoyed it.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

How Revolting

I think as a writer, success is definately in seeing somebody moved by your work. I remember I was overwhelmed with accomplishment as a friend read over a piece of my work and I turned to her, tears streaming down her face. "It's just so sad!" she declared. Making my friend cry made me very happy indeed.

I guess an even larger accomplishment would be to read back a piece of my own work and make myself cry. That hasn't happened yet, I did however make myself feel ill.

I stumbled upon this extract from a short story about a girl who leaves home and becomes a prostitue. It's quite vile.

"I returned on a regular basis to my first customer, he was a respectable man in his clothes, baggy suede trousers, green knit jumper, moustache and pipe. But when his clothes came off, he was different. He was an un-earthly fellow, covered head to toe in wiry hair, skin hung loose about his stomache and waist, his legs and thighs, his neck and cheeks. He beamed a toothy smile whenever i visited him, wafting wads of cash towards me, telling me his malignant desires, asking me to demonstrate my prowess. He was the most disgusting of my customers, but paid the most too. There were times when he stood over me, slapping himself against my lips, bouncing off of my chin. And times when he would tie me down, and grunt and sputter behind me. Other times he'd spit on my face, lick me all over, make me twist his nipples and taste his revulsion. "Daddy's little girl" he would shout slapping my exposed leg or thigh, cupping or squeezing my breasts, tugging at my hair or clawing at my back, I cringed but always continued to kiss him. His breath was pungent, his lips wet and fat, his teeth broken and decayed, his tongue slippery and invasive. We never made love, we only fucked, shagged and copulated. It was lustful and carnal. I despised every moment of it. "

I don't remember writing this. How revolting. I'm thinking about re-writing the short story as it's quite badly written.

What do you think? Yes, you. Leave a comment.

All words copyright of Calum McSwiggan.

Saturday, 24 July 2010


Cal's Top 10 Music Moments in Film & T.V

#10 Summersturm
#9 Romeo & Juliet
#8 The O.C
#7 Ferris Bueller's Day Off
#6 Coyote Ugly
#5 In And Out
#4 Glee
#3 Toy Story
#2 The Lion King
#1 Gladiator

#1 Gladiator

Probably my favourite film and without a doubt my favourite music moment in film. This was back when Russell Crowe could still act long before the travesty that was Gladiator 2 Robin Hood. I recommend you don't watch this clip if you haven't seen the film, it gives away the end. So, either enjoy this clip or go buy it on DVD at HMV. It's only £3!

This clip cuts off way to early, it cuts off just before the climax. Disappointing. Go buy the film!

#2 The Lion King

A timeless classic. The classic Disney films really do offer something the new generation can't. If you've not seen the Lion King, don't watch this clip, and where have you been for the past two decades?

I think this is one of the only moments in T.V or film that every single person can relate to. Everybody has parents or somebody they rely on whilst they're a child, and losing that someone and being left alone in the world is more than any child, or any person for that matter, can bare to think about.

So, in keeping with the topic. Venison anyone?

#3 Toy Story

As one of our Creative Writing lecturers so elegantly put it. Listening to Randy Newman is like torture but in this scene somehow it works.

Yes, we watch Toy Story in lectures. So what?

I nearly left this clip out, but as it so happens Toy Story 2 was on the BBC the other day and it reminded me of this clip. So sad!

You've got to congratulate this film. It got us all teary over inanimate objects. It's not everyday that happens.

Now. Toy Story 3. Time to go illegally download it watch it in the cinema.

#4 Glee!

I'm sorry. I know I'm jumping on the bandwagon but it's brilliant. It really is.

Lea Michelle and Idina Menzel bringing Lady GaGa to all her glory. I seriously couldn't ask for more.

Glee has managed to bring so many things back in fashion. Journey, Walking on Sunshine, even Olivia Newton John!

#5 In And Out

I apologise in advance. I have no idea why EVERY single clip I find on YouTube has to have Spanish dubbing over it, but it does.

This one doesn't even need an explanation. A closeted gay man trying not to dance to I Will Survive.

Maybe this should have been number one...

#6 Coyote Ugly

"Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you're next to is lying on your arm, and they're so ugly, you'd rather chew off your arm then risk waking 'em? That's coyote ugly."

I've got two clips for you here. Make your choice, sappy girl singing in the dark, or Adam Garcia stripping in a bar?

Do I even need to put the first one up? He's topless in both so I don't think it matters.

More Spanish dubbing! I hate YouTube.

You may recognise the song, Proffesor Green's I Need You Tonight in the charts at the mo' samples this song.

Two Hundred and Sixty Dollars! Can I take him home now?

Do we serve water in this bar? Hell no H20!

Good times.

#7 Ferris Bueller's Day Off

How could I not put this in? It's one of the campest things I've ever seen.

Way to make The Beetles Camp!

Enough said.

This is a slightly remix'd version of the clip... since I couldn't find the actual one it'll have to do!

Remember when Olly Murs did this for movie week on X-Factor? No, me neither, but apparantly he did.

Whilst looking for this clip I stumbled upon something I thought I'd share with you. For those of you that don't know, Ferris Bueler's Day Off is a (bad) comedy from the 80's. Rather ingeniously the conventions have been twisted in this clip to make it look like a tragic tear-jerker. Take a look!

Speaking of twisting the conventions of things, have a look at this...

Jesus Christ way to make a children's classic scary. Nightmares anyone?

#8 The O.C

Alright. Wait just a god damn second before you leave! I'm not an O.C fan, that's a promise... well at least I'm not anymore. I was when I was 14-15 and my excuse was that I fancied Marissa. Ha! Pretending to be straight seems funny now.

Although I think it's terrible now, Marissa dieing 412 times and everything, I still remember two scenes from it which I thought were quite powerful. I'll leave it up to you to make the decision.

Awww, what's a matter Marissa, had too many drugs in Tijuana? This is the first time she dies btw...

I'm really trying to be serious about this and I do actually love these clips, but I can't help but take the complete piss. It's in my nature.

The second one I found out about after my AS media teacher urged me to watch this clip after I made a music video of this song for my coursework.

Marissa doesn't die in this one, it makes a nice change...

Oh cheesy American programmes about rich teenagers with trivial problems... what will you make next.

#9 Romeo & Juliet

In continuation of Cal's Top 10 Music Moments in Film and T.V, that took me the best part of 12 seconds to forget about and abandon, in 9th place; Romeo & Juliet.

This is one of my all time favourite moments, it's a bit cheesy, meeting 'Romeo' through a fish tank, but whatever... however, I nearly put up this link without watching it which would have been a mistake.

I clearly didn't notice the Spanish dubbing which makes this clip sort of hilarious, it's not exactly what I was going for or trying to portray but let's go with it!

In all seriousness though, it's an incredibly beautiful song. Maybe watch it without the Spanish dubbing for the non-comical effect!

Oh and Leo is kind of cute back then don't you think? No? Well now look at him! Urgh! He's sort of hot in The Beach too. Good film!

This isn't the only moment in R&J I like though. You didn't think I would forget where Mercutio (the gay one who totally fancies Leo) sings Candi Staton's Young Hearts Run Free did you?

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Yes, I've Turned Into a Magazine for Teenage Girls.

I really wish something would happen to me. Something remotely interesting that I could share. But no. I seem to be in one of those states where you seem to be infinately busy, but nothing ever gets done and you are consistantly bored morning til night. Yes, one of those.

I caught up with an old friend yesterday, my cheeks were sore from laughing yet I couldn't share any of that with you, because:

1: You kinda had to be there.

2: I didn't want to offend anyone and trust me it would have done.

So, instead. FML as the cool kids say on facebook these days, I'm going to bore you with a top 10. Yes I've turned into a magazine for teenage girls.

Oh well.

Cal's Top 10 Music Moments in Film and T.V

No, Unchained melody from Ghost doesn't make the list. Come on, the song is just awful. Neither does My Heart Will Go On from Titanic - There was plenty of room for two on that giant floating door Winslet, don't be so god damn selfish.

#10 Summersturm. (Summer Storm)

Summersturm. A German film about a gay anti-romance. There's no happy ending where you might expect one, I think that's why I liked it. Two songs in this film I thought worked extremely well and artistically. The first Blonde on Blonde by Nada Surf. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip but it opens the film. The second was Frankie Goes to Hollywood's The Power of Love. Again I couldn't find a clip. I've attached no link to The Power of Love because EVERYBODY knows how that goes, and if you don't, well, maybe crawl out from underneathe your rock from time to time. Below is the song Blonde on Blonde but as I said there's no visual - sadly. If you have five minutes spare and happen to stumble upon Summersturm somewhere, give it a watch and get back to me. I'm sure you'll agree, great film, great music.

The other 9 will follow soon...ish

Friday, 16 July 2010

Come on England! Spain!

This year, I was happy to see England get knocked out of the world cup quite early on. This year I was backing Spain. - Before they won, yes.

But why?

We were driving through some town.. I forget which town, but some town in Spain. Spain had just won a match and were celebrating all over town. We stopped at some traffic lights beside a group of around fourty Spanish teenagers celebrating. Waving their Spanish flags and such. "Great, we're in a Gibraltarian car." Mother said noticing them turn towards us. They surrounded the car. I waited for the sound of a window smash or verbal abuse, but no.

With smiles they waved their Spanish flags and cheered at us.

"If this was England the girls would have their tits out and the boys would have their knives out."

True dat Momma.

And that's why I swapped my allegiance to Spain. That and the fact that red and yellow suit me so much better than white and red. White and red? They just don't go. What a terrible combination.

Oh and... Enrique Iglesias promised to waterski naked for the press if Spain won - That might have been the reason actually.

Papa Don't Preach.

On our last night of our visit to Spain we sat around the hotel pool and watched a flamenco show, which took place atop a platform above the pool. Mother angrily eyed up some drunkards beside us every time they so much as looked in the opposite direction of the flamenco show. "There's just no appreciation. Andy, you should say something. Andy." My dad wasn't listening he was watching the dancers. The female dancers.

It didn't take long till he was dragged up to dance with them, then mother was dragged up too. Lee and I laughed but were careful to make zero eye contact in case we were dragged up too. When they returned my Dad began telling a story.

"Did I tell you about the time I met Kylie Minogue?"
"I was dragged up to dance with Kylie Minogue at a cabaret show once?"
"Were you?"
"Well no. Not really. She looked a bit like Kylie Minogue though."
"Did she really?"
"No." Mother answered. "Your father had a few to drink. Everybody was Kylie Minogue that night."

It was at this point I think we walked away to find something else to do. Can you blame us?

Monday, 12 July 2010

The Gays In Spain Fall Mainly On The Plane.

We sat in Okay! cakes and ordered our drinks, the Spanish waiter took one look at my mother and made her coffee irish; even though she specifically asked for a espresso in her best Spanish. We sat there watching the various cafés and restaraunts clearing their tables out from the street in preperation for the parade. A few bars hung rainbow flags and the gays began to flock. First a few girls in plaid shirts and baggy black trousers with piercings sticking out of every, and I mean every, orifice. Then the boys with slicked hair, tasteful piercings, way too much aftershave and rainbows garbed around their waists. This was a Spanish gay pride. The first ever in the town La Linea. We waited for some time and eventually got bored and ready to leave. Just as we asked for the bill a pair of Spanish drag queens appeared and threw multiple packets of condoms at us. They spoke sharply and quickly, much like an English drag queen, only I had no idea what they were saying. They snapped their fingers, rolled their tongues and jerked their head left to right. "No intiendo!" I declared as (s)he began to look impatient.
(S)he paused for a moment and then tapped the word 'gay' on a flyer. I nodded, pointed to Lee, and nodded again. Then she pointed at mother. Mother nodded. I don't think she knew what she was saying.

The parade quickly followed, it was an experience I'll say that much. It was much smaller than an English pride parade, though much more entertaining. They sang and chanted and waved their flags - we understood none of it. The only thing we did understand was a well-preened man at the side of the parade chanting "Wapa Wapa Wapa" at every other boy who passed him.

As the parade was finishing we bought some spices from a nearby stall and headed home.

"That was good fun!" my mother said as she got into the car. "I'm glad I came now, it wasn't scary at all. I didn't get attacked by lesbians or anything!"

Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. As we drove back into the community where my parents live we stopped at the post-boxes. Quickly located one of mother's gay friend's post box and began stuffing it full of the condoms we had collected.

Chilidish? Perhaps, but mother egged us on.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Cal’s 100th Blog Post

So, prior to this post, I’ve written 99 posts all about me. That’s how narcissistic I am. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading them, and I hope you stay with me for another hundred.

I’ve been toying with the idea of advertising on my blog for some time now but am somewhat concerned over how tacky it might look. I’ve always been one to know the importance of aesthetics and this is no exception. The adverts apparently take key words from the words on your blog and advertise accordingly.

They are likely to be advertising Kylie CD’s and Gay pride paraphernalia then. That wouldn’t be so bad. But then again I might end up with adverts for porn and sex toys. After all I did do a post called “Old Timely Sex Aids” not that long ago.

In all seriousness though I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. It would only generate a pittance, then again, I’m not exactly rolling around in money at the minute – I wish I was though, that’d be fun.

I think I’ve learned a little about myself and writing whilst maintaining this blog and if nothing else I’ve enjoyed it immensely. I know sometimes I ramble a bit, but I know exactly how to get people to carry on reading and exactly how to get people to scroll down.

Like this…

Tyler Bachtel

Adam Garcia

Ashton Kutcher

Cristiano Ronaldo

Still with me? I thought so. Did it just get a little hotter in here? I like these kind of photos, you can pass them off as ‘art’ as an excuse for looking at them. Lee and I have these two on our wall, we pass them off as art too.

Miscelanious D&G Model

Miscelanious Paco Rabanne Model

Any excuse to put these pictures up... Well I can't very well go 100 posts on a blog about being gay without putting some topless men up, can I?

Sunday, 4 July 2010

Warning: Animal Lovers Stop Reading Now.

We arrived at the Benalmadena fair and began looking around the various festive tents, stalls and rides. It was a lot like a fair you would get in England except maybe a little more upper class. A little. One of the rides that intrigued me the most was 'The Bounty', a pirate ship ride, not unlike the pirate ship rides we have over here but with a unique difference. Instead of strapping people into seats with a big iron bar they piled them all into metal cages and made them hang on for dear life.

I did wonder for a moment whether there were racist connotations here, naming the ship 'The Bounty' and putting everybody into cages seemed a little too familiar for comfort. I stopped wondering about the pirate ship when I noticed the carousel though.

Your ordinary run of the mill carousel, flashing lights, music, happy children going round and round with big smiles on their faces. It was pretty ordinary apart from one pretty major thing.

The plastic/metal horses, 100% fake horses, you would find on a normal carousel had been taken out. Instead 8 Shetland ponies had their faces attached to metal poles and were dragged round and round. Nobody seemed phased by it, nobody but us, the four English people sticking out like a sore thumb.

It was awful. We passed again half an hour later, they were still going around. I wondered if they got to take a break, but I imagine they didn't.

I love the Spanish and I love their culture, but I might just stay away from their fairs in future, if I wanted to see racism and cruelty to animals I would watch The Simple Life.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

Livin La Vida Loca

It only seemed like we had been at the party five minutes when everybody started leaving, I looked at the clock it was 4am. Only a few of us remained. One of mother’s gay Spanish friends was attempting to teach us a little Spanish. Mother nodded along before slinking off to the kitchen to make a phone call. Little did we know she was ringing somebody she should not be ringing. I shan’t say who but she had stolen the number from somebody’s phone and in her drunken state had decided it would be a good idea to ring them. Did I mention they were Spanish and didn’t speak a word of English? Lee and I watched her from the kitchen door. “Hola! Hablo Inglés? No?” the conversation didn’t go much further than that, but she did surprisingly well. We returned back to our new found Spanish friend, Kylie was playing quietly in the background.

We spent the next five minutes explaining what “You’ve got it, you’re wow, wow, wow, wow” meant. We then began asking what the Spanish in I Know You Want Me and Livin La Vida Loca meant.
“Livin La Vida Loca? Living the crazy life!”

The sprinklers came on and we all ran inside. Mother picked up her lighter and started looking for her cigarettes. Our Spanish friend held up a joint to her. “Want some of this?”
“Is that a normal cigarette?” she asked eyeing it up carefully.
“No Marijuana!” she exclaimed “Sí…” she paused and noticed her cigarettes on the table outside. “Si Superkings!”

Her Spanish consists of numbers (needed for shopping) yes and no (needed for haggling) and words like large (for ordering drinks). It amuses me.

“No Marijuana, Si Superkings!” I heard her shout impatiently again.

We managed to drag her out of the door a few hours later as the sun began to rise. “Livin La Vida Loca.” Lee said as we started walking back home.
“Livin La Vida Loca.” I agreed.

Friday, 2 July 2010

Calum With One L

I popped into the University shop to pick up the latest Attitude magazine, the hot boy who always served me studied the cover with Kylie surrounded by semi-nude men, looked up at me, studied the cover again before scanning it through with judging eyes. You don't get judged in Tesco or WHSmith, i'll be buying from them again in future.

I opened the cover and looked inside to see whether I had been credited. I wasn't sure I would be because I only did a little bit of work on that issue before I left, but sure enough there I was. Interns: Callum McSwiggan. Bah, they got my name wrong, oh well. It could be worse, I've been Caleb MaSquigwem at a music recital before.

I'm overjoyed, a second magazine for my portfolio, not to mention my name is on the inside cover of a magazine with Kylie as well as some hunky men on the front.

There's also some images of The Selfridges Party in it too.

Stick a fork in me, i'm done.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

The Nick of Time

We dawdled back from the airport after our long journey and arrived back at our flat, I unpacked a few things, rang my parents to tell them I got back safe and then opened my laptop to check my emails.

In capital letters: CONGRATULATIONS!


To my excitement I discovered I had been shortlisted in the 4music blogstar competition I entered. After being excited for a few minutes I decided to read the email in full.

Good news, good news, good news...

Please reply to this by Midnight on the 1st July to confirm you want to carry on to the next stage. If you do not reply to this by Midnight on the 1st July your position will be forfeited and given to another budding entrant.

I looked down at my computer clock and saw 00:45. 2nd July.


I replied anyway with crossed fingers and apologies for being late at 00:55. I then rang mother to tell her the good and bad news.

I wandered off to bed and was lay awake for about twenty minutes pondering over the loss when Lee arrived in the doorway.

"Cal. I have good news."
"What is it?"
"Remember last week I set your computer clock to Spanish time?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, when you replied to that email, it was 11:55 on the 1st July not 00:55 on the 2nd July"
"That's a blog post." I said relieved and wandered upstairs to write this.