Friday, 27 August 2010

New York Furniture

As part of our relocation, we're going to need some quick, cheap, temporary (and preferably contemporary) furniture.

Hello internet and thank you for the suggestions.

Handy book storage...

And this one just screams gays in New York. Don'tcha think?

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Don't Work With Children The Spanish & Animals.

I was somewhat aprehensive about going out to Spain to help my parents move from Spanish house A to Spanish house B (directly opposite Spanish house A) as I know how strict they are when it comes to perfection. "Just look at this paint job. Disgraceful". My Dad says as he examines the Sistene Chapel. I was given a little confidence booster though when my parents told me what the Spanish painters had managed to do whilst painting. Not only did they fall off a ladder and break 95% of my parents belongings but they also managed to set their roller on fire whilst doing said painting, leaving black marks on the walls and floors. A job well done.

Now to side step the incomming Racism accusations. I do love the Spanish, I even supported them in the world cup, but perhaps they're not the best contractors. I'm not saying English contractors are much better. Unless you want them to question your sexuality whilst retiling your bathroom of course.

The other minor problem with getting anything done in Spain is the heat. Mother told me countless times how it's impossible to do anything in the heat over there. I just nodded along, but now I understand. Carrying a feather duster from one side of the house to the other is enough to break a sweat. Never mind a massive sofa that we had to move from house A to house B and then back again making the hole exercise inevitably pointless. To compensate for such heat the Spanish workers take their siesta. Which seems to run for a little bit longer than I bet it's intended too. (8am - 10pm) - "Where are the workers?"

The most difficult thing though, Mother tells me, is actually finding a time to get the builders in. "There's so many holidays over here, they celebrate everything and anything. Do you know they get a week off to go to the fair? Then the following week they get a day off to recover from the fair." I thought she might be making this up. Turns out she's not. Go figure.

My absolute favourite reason for the Spanish on the Costa Del Sol not going to work is 'La Vanta'. Which means 'The Mist' I think. Or maybe 'The Wind'. I can't remember. Using the weather as an excuse to not go to work is sheer brilliance. It's Basically a get out of work free card that works everyday of the year. A bit like us calling in 'sick' because we want to go to Skeg with our friends.

With all this going on I guess it can be quite hard to watch the dogs. The first day I flew out Mother took me across to the new house to show me the progress. She showed me the brand new expensive dishwasher sat at the bottom of the spiral staircase... can you see where I'm going with this? It wasn't long til our Border Terrier Taz disapeared to the top of the spiral staircase. As Mother was showing me something else we heard a perculiar sound, sort of like a stream of water landing on cardboard. We turned around to find that the dog had marked his territory water feature style. He stood at the top of the spiral staircase and marked all four floors his own - as well as the dishwasher.

You've got to give it to the dog, he could have gone to each floor individually to mark his territory, but instead he chose to do all four at once. Ingenious.

Mother didn't seem to think so.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Fans In Unlikely Places

The lack of posts I’ve been writing recently is appalling. The excuse I’ve been using is I have nothing to write about, I’ve not been doing anything that interesting. Lies to be honest, I’ll find something to write about. Talking to some friends of mine today, I realised I actually do have fans wanting to read about me. Who’d have thought it? Little old me. It got me realising how I have little pockets of people all over the world who frequent this blog. Kirsty who blogs over at is traversing South Africa in search of meerkats, my aforementioned friends read from Austria, who I met in an online game years ago, (I know, ostracize me for being geeky if you wish, but honesty makes the world go round!) one of which has the second name “Beer House”. You would have to be mad not to want to be friends with her. Seriously. Beer House. Well, Bierhaus – But you know. My dearest friend who I call Grandma, hops on and off flights to America, Italy and the UK, she blogs over at If anything we read each other to keep in touch and know what the other is doing. She’s mighty witty too. Then there’s a few of my mother’s friends whom I’ve grown quite partial too reading from Spain. I check my statistics now and then and have discovered I have readers in Cyprus, Amsterdam and Argentina. Shout up guys, leave a comment. Don’t be shy; I’d love to hear from you.

So, firstly, hello to my multicultural fans. Secondly, I’d like to tell you a little about what I’m up to and my plans for the future. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you, I’ll be quick. Currently I’ve been making preparations for my impending move to America. Though plans are to move next September, most things need to be sorted by this December, so things are moving quickly. I’ve just got back from Spain where I was helping my parents move house. Carrying furniture in 38 degrees is not fun, I assure you. But that’s for another post. I’m taking on the Entertainment and Music editorial position this September for our University magazine Dusted, am going to be in Attitude Magazine again, this time with an interview with me and Lee accompanied by photos. Exciting, there will be a link up here as soon as it comes out. As well as all that I’ve got to make a start on my dissertation as well as explaining why we’re moving to America to my parents and friends who aren’t having any of it.

So, to lighten the mood a little. When talking to my friends from Austria I told them I couldn’t think of anything to write about and they said “unfortunate mistypes”. I considered it for a moment and after being directed to, rather than – Please don’t click the first link if you’re reading mother, it’s porn. I decided I could have some fun with it. I racked my brain a little and remembered my all time favourite website. which once upon a time was an actual pen website. The URL has been removed now it seems. Sadness.

So after scouring the internet for a while I discovered some gems. – The Rapist Finder.

Who said energy suppliers don’t have a sense of humour? and would beg to differ. They really must have noticed their obvious flaw. Surely?

And lastly one that is actually a little worrying and disturbing but I can’t leave it out. – Molestation Nursery. – Luckily it’s a plant nursery, not a children’s nursery. – Phew!

These are all 100% real, click the links if you don’t believe me.

You really couldn’t make it up.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Cheating Wench!

For those of you that have been following my tedious life lately, you will have heard about the Blogstar competition I entered, was shortlisted for, and then lost. Well 4music finally decided to announce the winner today (3 weeks late) as well as putting up her video entry... I think I may have fallen in love with the winner, she would make the perfect fag bangle.

In her video she wears a pasty bra, รก la Katy Perry, whilst refering to Enrique Iglesias as "Momma's favourite" and squirting whipped cream from her breasts.

I seriously can't wait til this girl starts blogging, I most certainly want to hear what she has to say. It makes me slightly less bitter about losing too, I mean, I can't compete with pastry bras, can I? Have you seen how flat-chested I am?

On the other hand though. Her video is 36 seconds, when the rules clearly stated no longer than THIRTY seconds... Hey, I'm just saying.

Cheating wench! Do you know what I could have done with those extra six seconds? Well do you!? Probably not that much to be honest with you.

Follow the link to watch her in all her pastrified glory.

Friday, 6 August 2010


"Calum McSwiggan has just realised he hasn't blogged in over a week."

Is what my Facebook status would read if I could even be bothered to log on that. My computer social life seems to have nulled. I'm not sure that is so much of a bad thing though. I mean, how much of a difference does it really make for me to click 'like' on your status that reads "Omg lol woke up this morning with an Aussie in my bed - Ka-ching"?. Not that much I bet. Especially since you've got an Australian in your bed.

I think perhaps I was put off the exciting world of social networking sites recently when I noticed a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of somebody I haven't spoken to in ten years posted some naked pictures of his friend.

Fully naked. Nothing to cover his modesty, nothing blurred.

I began to feel sorry for the poor chap, I'd never met him in my life but couldn't help but think how mortified I would feel if a friend posted a naked photo of me on facebook.

Then I noticed the comments underneathe.

The naked person in the photo: "LOL!"

And the naked person in the photo's sister: "LMAO!"

Just waiting for the mother's comment now. "ROFLMAO!" probably.