Monday, 8 February 2010

You were asleep... In the bath!

Me, Lee, Faye and her close gay friend, we'll call him Chris, decide instead of going out we will stay in, play drinking games and watch a few films. It'll be a nice quiet night in. One deck of cards, zero films and several bottles of sprits later and the following occurs.

"Where's Lee?"
"I don't know. I've not seen him in a while". We go to the bathroom door and knock.
"Is everything okay?" There are grumbling noises from the other side of the door.
"Lee. Is everything okay? Let me in". we hear more grumbling noises.
"Let me in or i'm going to break down the door". When i'm drunk I decide i'm part of the LAPD in some sordid American crime flick. "I'll give you to the count of three... One... Two... Three". I break the door with the palm of my hand, well not really, the lock just breaks. We look down at the bathroom floor and there is Lee wrapped up in towels. "Are you okay?". He still doesn't say anything, he just continues to grumble. "What are you doing on the floor?" The three of us nudge and sit beside him to make sure he is okay. He doesn't seem to be sick. "I'm going to take you to bed".
"But i am in bed". he protests as I try to pick him up.
"You're on the bathroom floor"
"No..." he winges pulling the towels around him tighter.
"Come on". I try to pick him up again.
"No! I just want to go to sleep".
"Let me take you to bed then.."

I don't recall how the rest of this played out, but i'm told I eventually did manage to carry him to bed. The next thing I remember is me and Faye giggling while drawing on him with permanent marker. He ends up with a badly drawn phallus and "Hello my name is Lee" on his feet, and a pretty star on his cheek. "Where's Chris?" I ask after a while noticing the absence of his campness. "He stayed upstairs"
"Well what's he doing?".
"I don't know. Lets go see". I make sure Lee is wrapped up warm and we go to find Chris. We look in the hall, we look on the landing, we look in the front room, we look in the bathroom. He is nowhere to be found. "Where is he?" I check the tiny storage cupboard. Not in there either.
"Did you hear him leave?" I say confused looking behind the back of the couch. Faye goes into the bathroom and I hear her burst into laughter. I run to see what she is laughing at, and find Chris in the bathtub with a blanket over his head. I cannot begin to describe, or express, the hilarity of his position. I have no idea come to think of it, of why on earth we didn't take a picture, but we didn't, so you will just have to believe me. It was bloody well funny. I look at the shower head pointing at him, Faye looks at it too. "We can't". I say.
"We can't not!" she exclaims laughing her finger slowly creeping towards the on button. Sadly he wakes up confused. "What's going on?" Faye retracts her finger.
"Nothing honey!". We smile and help him out of the bath. Next, unfortunately it is my turn to randomely fall asleep, at least i did it dignified in the bed. Faye was left sat alone with a bottle of rosé on the couch. Everyone else asleep.

The next day.

Me: Who are you texting Lee?
Lee: Jay. Telling him what a good night he missed
Faye: Well what do you know? You were asleep by 11.
Lee: Well you lot had fun
Me: Yeah we did.
Faye: Yeah but you all went to sleep.
Me: When did I go to bed?
Faye: About half four? You went to bed because I wouldn't let you on the roof
Me: I did? Well at least I didn't fall asleep in the bath
Faye: I don't know why you were all so drunk... I was sober as.
Lee: Well why didn't you carry on drinking then?
Faye: What? Sit around getting pissed while the rest of you are in comas? Not my idea of fun babe
Chris: Yeah you light weights
Faye: (bursting into laughter). You were asleep!... In the bath! You can't call anyone a light weight.
Me: I wasn't that bad.
Faye: You were asking me if you could get arrested for climbing on the roof. You were dressed for bed. That's indecent exposure.
Me: Well its my bloody roof.
Faye: Yeah well you can't drive around naked and then say 'it's my bloody car'.
Me: I can't drive... How did you get me down?
Faye: I didn't have to. You fell off your chair trying to get the window open.
Me: Oh.

I love quiet nights in.

1 comment:

  1. Poor lee!
    I know the feeling when your sleepy and drunk, the wierdest places seem comfortable: Toilet seats, pedestrian crossings, Tesco and Lifts.

    I found this extra funny because my sisters name is Faye too!