Thursday, 7 October 2010

Coming Out

I never actually said the words "I'm gay." until long after I had come out. I found ways around it, ways to tell people without saying the words.

I sat on the curb, in some god awful estate where cars were on fire and some of the houses had no doors, talking to a friend.

"I like somebody," I eventually blurted out, a clumsy statement. She looked at me puzzled and eventually said. "Who?" I went silent.
"They go to our school," I eventually replied.
"In our class?" I nodded.

She listed off every single girl's name as I replied no to each. She then said slowly. "Is it me?"
"No," I laughed. She seemed disapointed.
"Well that's everyone. Isn't it? What colour hair do they have?"
"Brown," I answered solemnly, knowing that the truth would soon be out. At the time, a terrifying concept. She began listing all the girls with brown hair. I answered no to each.

We went on this way for some time, til she eventually said a boy's name. I nodded.

I'm not sure how the rest of that conversation went, I probably passed out with panic. I just remember things were a lot easier after that. I told a select few people but even then I wasn't out. I told those select few people that I was bisexual - I still acted like I liked girls, I still thought it was a possibility in the back of my mind.

At the time I had made friends with a girl, she was the lead singer of a band, I confided in her, she told me she had a gay friend. She told me she would set us up.

It went horrificly badly. I remember thinking he was pretty attractive, though I only talked to him on Myspace. (sigh at younger me) It wasn't long til he invited me to his for sex. I declined, of course, and was horrified about how bluntly he asked me. Now i'm not even phased when this happens, which it does from time to time, I just quote my friend Lorne (Remember, the black transexual from London?) and say "Hell to the no girlfriend."

It was around two months later when I met Lee. On the moment we kissed, I understood that I was in fact gay. Kissing girls was always a chore that I avoided when at all possible.

Mother was in Spain at the time, I was talking to her on the msn machine, when she asked me if I had made any new friends at sixth form. "I made some gay friends," I said. Which wasn't a lie, it was entirely true. I had a new entourage of friends of Dorothy, I went from not knowing a single other gay person in the entire world to going to a college which had that many gays it probably should have hung rainbow flags in the common room. - It didn't, sadly.

"Why can't you make some normal friends?" she replied back after a minute or two. I told her to fuck off. It was quite a strange thing for her to say, since at the time she was busy making hundreds of gay friends in the south of spain. She's the biggest fag hag on the costa-del-sol. I didn't know this at the time though.

When I started talking to her again, about a week later, I said "I've met somebody, his name's Lee. I would like you to meet him." She replied,
"Sure, I would love to meet your friend."
"Boyfriend*" I corrected.
"I don't understand."

Of course, now, she is the most supportive person imaginable, I guess it is hard for anybody to accept that their child is gay. And that's how I came out.

I call it the cop out approach, but, I did it at 16. 16 seemed the right time, if I had done it sooner I would have probably been murdered in my school. I remember a boy called Jacob, he was in the year above and was openly gay. It wasn't uncommon for him to come to school with a broken nose or black eye.

I was seventeen when I passed some boys who went to my old school. They somehow had heard about me being gay. They jumped me. I got away, my nose bleeding, a hole in the bottom of my lip, where one of the boys ring's had pierced it, and a broken tooth. It could have been far worse. I still have the scar on my lip, it's a constant reminder that though I am proud and open, there are still times when I need to be careful.

I guess what I am trying to say is: Coming out is important but it needs to be done at the right time for you. You will know when that time comes, it's a terrifying experience but things are always better on the other side.

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