Friday, 12 March 2010

Fairly Nuts...

I walk out of the supermarket, the weeks shopping in hand, when one of my bag splits. We've all been there. Highly embarassing. I fumble about the high street, chasing my Mixed Herbs and Pork Seasoning trying not to catch anybody's eye as I know everyone is looking at me... And judging. As if things can't get anymore embarassing i notice my Attitude magazine is blowing around in the wind and has opened itself on the back page.

For those of you who don't know, the back page is, shall we say, the adult page. A picture of an enormous penis, partially starred out is now staring me, and the rest of Irongate, in the face.
Oh God... Why did they have to make that back page? The entire street now thinks I have been buying gay porn. I have two options, leave the magazine that everybody saw fall from my bag or pick it up. I chose the latter. I grab it, snap it closed to the front cover, A suitable unattractive interview and picture of David Cameron. I put it under my arm making sure everyone around sees that it is not in fact gay porn. Phew...

As if things can't get worst a young pretty looking girl approaches me holding my Ben&Jerrys Fairly Nuts ice cream. She hands it to me. "Thanks"
"I think your bag split" she says giggling to herself.
"Yeah" i say awkwardly, not looking her in the eye.
"Can I give you a hand cutie?" She says smiling. Oh god. Not now. I can't be dealing with flirtatious women now. "No, I'm fine, thanks."
"I'll run back in and get you another bag if you want. You look like you're struggling."
"No, no, it's okay. Really."

- It really isn't okay, i'm trying to juggle various herbs and spices, cooking oil, ice cream, a magazine and three bags of shopping. "Okay." she says looking slightly disheartened.
"Thanks" I say again and walk away. It's only a five minute walk I think to myself, trying to stop any of my shopping slipping out of my hands. I'm only half way home when I notice the ice cream has split and is now running all over my hands and getting everywhere; making everything even more slippery.

I manage to get home, my shopping intact. I drop my bags on the floor. I'd like to tell you I washed the ice cream off my hands, I really would like to tell you that, but that would be a lie. I licked the ice cream off my fingers and started eating most of the tub. (Which by the way was the most delicious ice cream i have ever eaten. Give it a try, £1.99 introductory offer at Tesco - and it's fair trade!) I put the remaining ice cream in the freezer and then went onto devour most of the shopping, and anything I could find in the cupboard.

Some people binge when they're sad.
Some people binge when they're bored.
I binge when i'm embarrased.

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