Lee's Birthday, i wake up early to bake him a cake, which is where the disasters start. It ended up as a giant biscuit covered in chocolate buttercream. Yum. In the evening Adam offers to take us out for a meal, we accept and he drives us to a local pub. As we are at the bar Adam tells us about the time when he came with his partner, who is only a few years older than him, and the barlady pretty much tried to pawn him off with the childrens menu, thinking his boyfriend was his Dad. So as he tries to order drinks, he is asked for I.D. He gives it to the barlady, who turns out to be the same lady from before, who looks at it and says blankly. "This says your 17". He looks at her, not best pleased, and replies light heartedly. "No, it says i'm 19 in April".
"Does it?"
"Yes". She doesn't look convinced but makes the drinks anyway. I don't blame her for being so surprised he sort of does look like a 15 year old, or a slow lorris (Google it, trust me. They're mega-cute).
We drink our drinks, and are in hysterics about the seemingly hilarious thought of a nokia 3310 stuck in the air vent, it was funny at the time, not so much now. I set my half empty glass down on the table for a moment and the scariest man i have ever seen walks over with a tray and gathers all the empty glasses on the table, as well as my half full one. I look up at him but say nothing, fearing for the safety of my skull. We then spend the rest of the evening hiding our drinks every time he walked past our table. "Thank god for that" Lee says as we see him leave to go home.
A couple of drinks and a few deserts later we decide to go for a drive.
"Where shall we go?"
"I don't know"
"Come on. It's your Birthday"
"France?"
"Ok lets go to France."
"I want to see the sea before my Birthdays over. I'll laugh if i touch sand"
"Do you need a passport to go to France"
"Yes"
"We could get the eurostar"
"Or the ferry".
I was no part of this ridiculous conversation, i sat in the back enjoying it. "And what would we do when we got to France"
"Eat... food?". At which point i feel the need to interject.
"You do realise we got lost on the way to PC world don't you".
{Brief pause}
"Skegness?"
"Yeah! We'll get loads of pictures". So its settled we're going to skegness. We gather a few blankets so we can sleep in the car, a few (far too many) bottles of water/pop, Adam's dressing gown (he needs it) and some munchies. It takes us quite some time to leave Derby, and sat in the back, not really being able to hear anything but lady gaga "Ra Ra Ro Ma Ma", watching the pair of them arguing about directions reminds me of being a child. Adam my Dad, Lee my Mum. A disturbing and puzzling thought. But its there. I watch the road signs and try to figure out if we are going the right way by peering over at the map from time to time, it was only when we drove through the town "Elton-on-the-hill" (I kid you not) when i gave up all hope.
"We're about halfway now" Adam says as he pulls into a petrol station to top up his tank. Me and Lee watch as he goes to pay in the deserted petrol station, in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near Elton-on-the-hill, wherever the hell that is. The terrifying looking clerk at the desk, looks like he might snatch up Adam and take him away to be his wife. We talk through the possibilities and devise a plan, in the event of such happenings. Adam returns unscathed, but looking a little emotionally traumatised. "Weirdo". he says getting in the car and driving us away again. A few hours later, after driving down far too many 'High casualty roads' in the dark, (Presumably high casualty because they were covered in cute but troublesome rabbits), we see the sign for Skegness. Cheers go round the car. 50 Miles. 32 Miles. 35 Miles. 16 Miles. 102 Miles. It didn't make sense, so we just followed the signs pointing out funny street names as we went. Most of them including 'dyke' but my personal favourite 'Bell end'. At 23:59 Lee claims he can see the sea, which i personally think was a lie because we were surrounded by fields, but if that's what he wants to believe, i'll let him. We arrive at the beach car park at about 00:30. We get out of the car, unbelievably excited by the sand and race down onto the beach. Lee bends down and touches the sand, he doesn't laugh. Liar. We stand in view of the sea trying to get some pictures of us with the sea, but it's far too dark and the camera on my phone's flash is terrible. "Damn"
"We'll get some photos in the morning then. Good ones... I can see the sea!"
We've been standing in front of it for ten minutes Adam."
"Oh." We go back to the car and start driving around town looking for a good place to park up for a few hours to have a sleep. Lee gets uncomfortable at this point and wants to drive home.
"We've only been here for 10 minutes, we can't go back now"
"What about if we stay in a travel lodge or something?"
"Ok". So we drive around town looking for a hotel of some description, which in Skegness isn't hard to find, however finding a hotel that doesn't look like old people are dieing inside is a different story. "No net curtains. No net curtains. I don't want to stay anywhere that has net curtains".
"We'll find somewhere without"
"Look that one is only £18 a night".
"It has net curtains". I had to agree with Lee at this point. Every one of the hotels were scary looking, and they all had net curtains. So we resorted to our first plan of sleeping in the car. We pull up in a car park, find a deserted spot and park up. We wrap up in blankets and Adam puts on his dressing gown. "I'm scared". Lee says as we sit in the dark.
"It's okay Lee, i'll lock the doors and put on the alarm, if anyone tries to open the doors, or start up the engine, the alarm will wake us up"
"Okay". So we try to go to sleep. I try to get comfy in the back seat, seat belts digging into my back, and finally after about an hour, at about 01:00 I manage to fall asleep. What seems like 30 seconds later i'm woken up by Lee screaming. "Adam! Adam! There's a man! Adam! There's a man!". I jump up and look out the window a car has pulled up next to us. I see no man, but Lee is still shouting. "Adam! There's a man! Adam!". To which Adam, in his sleep deprived state, puts in the key and starts the engine. The alarm goes off and we speed off out of the car park. I can only assume if the people who pulled up next to us weren't in fact trying to kill us, then the spectacle of this would have been hilarious to them. "I want to go home". Lee says again, and Adam agrees to drive us home. "We didn't get any pictures" he says with a sad expression. "I'll make it up to you". Lee replies. We drive out of Skegness and back towards home. "Adam." Lee says looking over at Adam still in his dressing gown. "Yes Lee?"
"You look like a gay wizard".
"Thanks Lee. That's really helpfull" At which point we go past a speed camera 20 mph over the speed limit. The speed camera goes off and snaps a picture of his car. "Great.. i'll be getting a fine for £70 and 3 points on my license now".
"At least you got a picture". And a funny picture it will be. Me lieing in the back, Lee mocking Adam, and Adam in his dressing gown. Good times.
"Does it?"
"Yes". She doesn't look convinced but makes the drinks anyway. I don't blame her for being so surprised he sort of does look like a 15 year old, or a slow lorris (Google it, trust me. They're mega-cute).
We drink our drinks, and are in hysterics about the seemingly hilarious thought of a nokia 3310 stuck in the air vent, it was funny at the time, not so much now. I set my half empty glass down on the table for a moment and the scariest man i have ever seen walks over with a tray and gathers all the empty glasses on the table, as well as my half full one. I look up at him but say nothing, fearing for the safety of my skull. We then spend the rest of the evening hiding our drinks every time he walked past our table. "Thank god for that" Lee says as we see him leave to go home.
A couple of drinks and a few deserts later we decide to go for a drive.
"Where shall we go?"
"I don't know"
"Come on. It's your Birthday"
"France?"
"Ok lets go to France."
"I want to see the sea before my Birthdays over. I'll laugh if i touch sand"
"Do you need a passport to go to France"
"Yes"
"We could get the eurostar"
"Or the ferry".
I was no part of this ridiculous conversation, i sat in the back enjoying it. "And what would we do when we got to France"
"Eat... food?". At which point i feel the need to interject.
"You do realise we got lost on the way to PC world don't you".
{Brief pause}
"Skegness?"
"Yeah! We'll get loads of pictures". So its settled we're going to skegness. We gather a few blankets so we can sleep in the car, a few (far too many) bottles of water/pop, Adam's dressing gown (he needs it) and some munchies. It takes us quite some time to leave Derby, and sat in the back, not really being able to hear anything but lady gaga "Ra Ra Ro Ma Ma", watching the pair of them arguing about directions reminds me of being a child. Adam my Dad, Lee my Mum. A disturbing and puzzling thought. But its there. I watch the road signs and try to figure out if we are going the right way by peering over at the map from time to time, it was only when we drove through the town "Elton-on-the-hill" (I kid you not) when i gave up all hope.
"We're about halfway now" Adam says as he pulls into a petrol station to top up his tank. Me and Lee watch as he goes to pay in the deserted petrol station, in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near Elton-on-the-hill, wherever the hell that is. The terrifying looking clerk at the desk, looks like he might snatch up Adam and take him away to be his wife. We talk through the possibilities and devise a plan, in the event of such happenings. Adam returns unscathed, but looking a little emotionally traumatised. "Weirdo". he says getting in the car and driving us away again. A few hours later, after driving down far too many 'High casualty roads' in the dark, (Presumably high casualty because they were covered in cute but troublesome rabbits), we see the sign for Skegness. Cheers go round the car. 50 Miles. 32 Miles. 35 Miles. 16 Miles. 102 Miles. It didn't make sense, so we just followed the signs pointing out funny street names as we went. Most of them including 'dyke' but my personal favourite 'Bell end'. At 23:59 Lee claims he can see the sea, which i personally think was a lie because we were surrounded by fields, but if that's what he wants to believe, i'll let him. We arrive at the beach car park at about 00:30. We get out of the car, unbelievably excited by the sand and race down onto the beach. Lee bends down and touches the sand, he doesn't laugh. Liar. We stand in view of the sea trying to get some pictures of us with the sea, but it's far too dark and the camera on my phone's flash is terrible. "Damn"
"We'll get some photos in the morning then. Good ones... I can see the sea!"
We've been standing in front of it for ten minutes Adam."
"Oh." We go back to the car and start driving around town looking for a good place to park up for a few hours to have a sleep. Lee gets uncomfortable at this point and wants to drive home.
"We've only been here for 10 minutes, we can't go back now"
"What about if we stay in a travel lodge or something?"
"Ok". So we drive around town looking for a hotel of some description, which in Skegness isn't hard to find, however finding a hotel that doesn't look like old people are dieing inside is a different story. "No net curtains. No net curtains. I don't want to stay anywhere that has net curtains".
"We'll find somewhere without"
"Look that one is only £18 a night".
"It has net curtains". I had to agree with Lee at this point. Every one of the hotels were scary looking, and they all had net curtains. So we resorted to our first plan of sleeping in the car. We pull up in a car park, find a deserted spot and park up. We wrap up in blankets and Adam puts on his dressing gown. "I'm scared". Lee says as we sit in the dark.
"It's okay Lee, i'll lock the doors and put on the alarm, if anyone tries to open the doors, or start up the engine, the alarm will wake us up"
"Okay". So we try to go to sleep. I try to get comfy in the back seat, seat belts digging into my back, and finally after about an hour, at about 01:00 I manage to fall asleep. What seems like 30 seconds later i'm woken up by Lee screaming. "Adam! Adam! There's a man! Adam! There's a man!". I jump up and look out the window a car has pulled up next to us. I see no man, but Lee is still shouting. "Adam! There's a man! Adam!". To which Adam, in his sleep deprived state, puts in the key and starts the engine. The alarm goes off and we speed off out of the car park. I can only assume if the people who pulled up next to us weren't in fact trying to kill us, then the spectacle of this would have been hilarious to them. "I want to go home". Lee says again, and Adam agrees to drive us home. "We didn't get any pictures" he says with a sad expression. "I'll make it up to you". Lee replies. We drive out of Skegness and back towards home. "Adam." Lee says looking over at Adam still in his dressing gown. "Yes Lee?"
"You look like a gay wizard".
"Thanks Lee. That's really helpfull" At which point we go past a speed camera 20 mph over the speed limit. The speed camera goes off and snaps a picture of his car. "Great.. i'll be getting a fine for £70 and 3 points on my license now".
"At least you got a picture". And a funny picture it will be. Me lieing in the back, Lee mocking Adam, and Adam in his dressing gown. Good times.
hilarious, and a good read too, your a great writer and i like your stories.
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