The day after yet another harsh night out, wearing a recycled cat halloween costume as it was between that and wearing a bed sheet as a toga, I decide it was time for a good hearty meal. Lee comes home from work so me him and Jay decide to go to La Tasca for tapas. To liven things up a little we decide to play a game with the apparantly Spanish waitress. She had to say certain words or phrases so many times to earn her tip. She had no idea this game was going on, or so we thought. First she had to say the word 'tapas' ten times.
"Hola! Have you eaten tapas before? What tapas can i get you this evening? Would you like to try the tapas for a tenner menu? There's quite a variety of tapas on there. The tapas I would suggest is the paella tapas its really delicious. Its what i eat every time i have tapas but obviously everyones taste in tapas is different, that's the whole point of tapas really. Don't you just love tapas?" to our disdane she passes with flying colours before our food even arrives. We decide that was too easy. Next we decide she has to say the phrase "Would you like any more drinks?". Her being Spanish and having trouble understanding what we were trying to order, we felt this was somewhat a challenge. She comes over before i have barely taken a sip from my drink and says happily. "Would you like any more drinks?" I look at her suspiciously and decline with thanks. She brings out our food. We decide she needs to say it three more times to earn her tip. She asks twice more before it is time for us to pay the bill. "Could i have the bill please?" I ask as she passes, though she interupts me with "Of course. Would you like any more drinks?". I shake my head and she gives me a quirky smile. "Somehow she has figured out our game!".
"Ok" Lee says. "She has to say 'Have a lovely evening', those exact words to get her tip". I look at him, pondering whether that would be cruel or not. "I'm going to give her a tip of £1.50. If she says 'Have a lovely evening' i'll double it. It's agreed. She comes back over with the bill and i ask if i can pay on card. She brings over the card machine. She stands watching over me smiling. I punch in my pin number and 'Gratuity?" pops up on the screen. I look at it my finger hovering between 'Yes' and 'No'. I look at the waitress. She gives me a squinted smile with a nod. I press 'Yes'. 'Ammount?' pops up next. I look at the digits and go to punch in £1.50. When she stops me by saying "Have you had a good time, was the food good?" I turn away from the card machine and say "Yes thanks. It was delicious"
"I'm glad. You make sure you boys have a lovely evening". she looks at me slyly as if to say 'I know your game'. I punch in £3, actually i tell a lie, Lee punches in £3 because i manage to break the machine and he has to do it for me, and we leave. On the way out I begin to think that our game was horribly cruel, afterall the waitress definately deserved her tip regardless of our silly game, and then i hear her sarcastically say again as we slip out of the door. "Have a lovely evening".
Oh fuck off i think.
Monday 25 January 2010
Friday 22 January 2010
Eight for the price of one.
My lovely vegetarian friend is coming over for a visit and i foolishly send her a message saying i will get some drinks in before checking my bank balance and realising i have no money. I look around, find some change and two bottles of repulsive dark rum that have been sitting on the side for over a year. One word pops into my head. Caprihina. The drink i discovered while visiting my parents, the drink which i have been forcing everyone, including myself, to drink since. When they say they don't like it, which most of the time they do, I insist that they drink. "It gets nicer towards the bottom". So i take my change and make my way to tesco. I put eight limes in a bag, pick up some bread and a couple of bottles of lemonade and make my way to the self check-out. I scan the lemonade. I scan the bread. I pick up the limes and press fruit, I press limes. I see quantity. I see 8. I see 1. I press 1. Now this for me, is extreme. Perhaps in the past i may have overlooked that i had 7 lemons in my bag and pressed 6, or perhaps accidently pressed 4 or instead of 5 but now i was playing a whole different game. I'm a down right thief! I have no morales! I put my limes into the bag with the lemonade and bread, pay with the loose coins in my pocket and leave with haste. On the walk home i see a homeless man cradling an adorable dog, he looks very cold and wet. I reach into my pocket and give him all my change, about £2. As i walk away from him, i realise the money i gave him was about the same price as the limes i should have paid for. My mind then goes off onto a tangeant. I'm like Robin hood! Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor! I think about my accomplishment all the way home, extremely proud and satisfied with myself. I get home and start cutting limes when Lee comes back from work. "Making caprihinas again...?"
"Yes." i say happily. "I Stole the limes!"
"You stole them?"
"Yes! And i gave the money i would have used to pay for them to a homeless man".
There is a long silence as he looks at the ecstatic expression on my face... and then he crushes it.
"It's just a few limes... who do you think you are? Robin hood?". I reply with no words just the angry expresion of a child.
"Yes." i say happily. "I Stole the limes!"
"You stole them?"
"Yes! And i gave the money i would have used to pay for them to a homeless man".
There is a long silence as he looks at the ecstatic expression on my face... and then he crushes it.
"It's just a few limes... who do you think you are? Robin hood?". I reply with no words just the angry expresion of a child.
Thursday 21 January 2010
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...
Lee's Birthday, i wake up early to bake him a cake, which is where the disasters start. It ended up as a giant biscuit covered in chocolate buttercream. Yum. In the evening Adam offers to take us out for a meal, we accept and he drives us to a local pub. As we are at the bar Adam tells us about the time when he came with his partner, who is only a few years older than him, and the barlady pretty much tried to pawn him off with the childrens menu, thinking his boyfriend was his Dad. So as he tries to order drinks, he is asked for I.D. He gives it to the barlady, who turns out to be the same lady from before, who looks at it and says blankly. "This says your 17". He looks at her, not best pleased, and replies light heartedly. "No, it says i'm 19 in April".
"Does it?"
"Yes". She doesn't look convinced but makes the drinks anyway. I don't blame her for being so surprised he sort of does look like a 15 year old, or a slow lorris (Google it, trust me. They're mega-cute).
We drink our drinks, and are in hysterics about the seemingly hilarious thought of a nokia 3310 stuck in the air vent, it was funny at the time, not so much now. I set my half empty glass down on the table for a moment and the scariest man i have ever seen walks over with a tray and gathers all the empty glasses on the table, as well as my half full one. I look up at him but say nothing, fearing for the safety of my skull. We then spend the rest of the evening hiding our drinks every time he walked past our table. "Thank god for that" Lee says as we see him leave to go home.
A couple of drinks and a few deserts later we decide to go for a drive.
"Where shall we go?"
"I don't know"
"Come on. It's your Birthday"
"France?"
"Ok lets go to France."
"I want to see the sea before my Birthdays over. I'll laugh if i touch sand"
"Do you need a passport to go to France"
"Yes"
"We could get the eurostar"
"Or the ferry".
I was no part of this ridiculous conversation, i sat in the back enjoying it. "And what would we do when we got to France"
"Eat... food?". At which point i feel the need to interject.
"You do realise we got lost on the way to PC world don't you".
{Brief pause}
"Skegness?"
"Yeah! We'll get loads of pictures". So its settled we're going to skegness. We gather a few blankets so we can sleep in the car, a few (far too many) bottles of water/pop, Adam's dressing gown (he needs it) and some munchies. It takes us quite some time to leave Derby, and sat in the back, not really being able to hear anything but lady gaga "Ra Ra Ro Ma Ma", watching the pair of them arguing about directions reminds me of being a child. Adam my Dad, Lee my Mum. A disturbing and puzzling thought. But its there. I watch the road signs and try to figure out if we are going the right way by peering over at the map from time to time, it was only when we drove through the town "Elton-on-the-hill" (I kid you not) when i gave up all hope.
"We're about halfway now" Adam says as he pulls into a petrol station to top up his tank. Me and Lee watch as he goes to pay in the deserted petrol station, in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near Elton-on-the-hill, wherever the hell that is. The terrifying looking clerk at the desk, looks like he might snatch up Adam and take him away to be his wife. We talk through the possibilities and devise a plan, in the event of such happenings. Adam returns unscathed, but looking a little emotionally traumatised. "Weirdo". he says getting in the car and driving us away again. A few hours later, after driving down far too many 'High casualty roads' in the dark, (Presumably high casualty because they were covered in cute but troublesome rabbits), we see the sign for Skegness. Cheers go round the car. 50 Miles. 32 Miles. 35 Miles. 16 Miles. 102 Miles. It didn't make sense, so we just followed the signs pointing out funny street names as we went. Most of them including 'dyke' but my personal favourite 'Bell end'. At 23:59 Lee claims he can see the sea, which i personally think was a lie because we were surrounded by fields, but if that's what he wants to believe, i'll let him. We arrive at the beach car park at about 00:30. We get out of the car, unbelievably excited by the sand and race down onto the beach. Lee bends down and touches the sand, he doesn't laugh. Liar. We stand in view of the sea trying to get some pictures of us with the sea, but it's far too dark and the camera on my phone's flash is terrible. "Damn"
"We'll get some photos in the morning then. Good ones... I can see the sea!"
We've been standing in front of it for ten minutes Adam."
"Oh." We go back to the car and start driving around town looking for a good place to park up for a few hours to have a sleep. Lee gets uncomfortable at this point and wants to drive home.
"We've only been here for 10 minutes, we can't go back now"
"What about if we stay in a travel lodge or something?"
"Ok". So we drive around town looking for a hotel of some description, which in Skegness isn't hard to find, however finding a hotel that doesn't look like old people are dieing inside is a different story. "No net curtains. No net curtains. I don't want to stay anywhere that has net curtains".
"We'll find somewhere without"
"Look that one is only £18 a night".
"It has net curtains". I had to agree with Lee at this point. Every one of the hotels were scary looking, and they all had net curtains. So we resorted to our first plan of sleeping in the car. We pull up in a car park, find a deserted spot and park up. We wrap up in blankets and Adam puts on his dressing gown. "I'm scared". Lee says as we sit in the dark.
"It's okay Lee, i'll lock the doors and put on the alarm, if anyone tries to open the doors, or start up the engine, the alarm will wake us up"
"Okay". So we try to go to sleep. I try to get comfy in the back seat, seat belts digging into my back, and finally after about an hour, at about 01:00 I manage to fall asleep. What seems like 30 seconds later i'm woken up by Lee screaming. "Adam! Adam! There's a man! Adam! There's a man!". I jump up and look out the window a car has pulled up next to us. I see no man, but Lee is still shouting. "Adam! There's a man! Adam!". To which Adam, in his sleep deprived state, puts in the key and starts the engine. The alarm goes off and we speed off out of the car park. I can only assume if the people who pulled up next to us weren't in fact trying to kill us, then the spectacle of this would have been hilarious to them. "I want to go home". Lee says again, and Adam agrees to drive us home. "We didn't get any pictures" he says with a sad expression. "I'll make it up to you". Lee replies. We drive out of Skegness and back towards home. "Adam." Lee says looking over at Adam still in his dressing gown. "Yes Lee?"
"You look like a gay wizard".
"Thanks Lee. That's really helpfull" At which point we go past a speed camera 20 mph over the speed limit. The speed camera goes off and snaps a picture of his car. "Great.. i'll be getting a fine for £70 and 3 points on my license now".
"At least you got a picture". And a funny picture it will be. Me lieing in the back, Lee mocking Adam, and Adam in his dressing gown. Good times.
"Does it?"
"Yes". She doesn't look convinced but makes the drinks anyway. I don't blame her for being so surprised he sort of does look like a 15 year old, or a slow lorris (Google it, trust me. They're mega-cute).
We drink our drinks, and are in hysterics about the seemingly hilarious thought of a nokia 3310 stuck in the air vent, it was funny at the time, not so much now. I set my half empty glass down on the table for a moment and the scariest man i have ever seen walks over with a tray and gathers all the empty glasses on the table, as well as my half full one. I look up at him but say nothing, fearing for the safety of my skull. We then spend the rest of the evening hiding our drinks every time he walked past our table. "Thank god for that" Lee says as we see him leave to go home.
A couple of drinks and a few deserts later we decide to go for a drive.
"Where shall we go?"
"I don't know"
"Come on. It's your Birthday"
"France?"
"Ok lets go to France."
"I want to see the sea before my Birthdays over. I'll laugh if i touch sand"
"Do you need a passport to go to France"
"Yes"
"We could get the eurostar"
"Or the ferry".
I was no part of this ridiculous conversation, i sat in the back enjoying it. "And what would we do when we got to France"
"Eat... food?". At which point i feel the need to interject.
"You do realise we got lost on the way to PC world don't you".
{Brief pause}
"Skegness?"
"Yeah! We'll get loads of pictures". So its settled we're going to skegness. We gather a few blankets so we can sleep in the car, a few (far too many) bottles of water/pop, Adam's dressing gown (he needs it) and some munchies. It takes us quite some time to leave Derby, and sat in the back, not really being able to hear anything but lady gaga "Ra Ra Ro Ma Ma", watching the pair of them arguing about directions reminds me of being a child. Adam my Dad, Lee my Mum. A disturbing and puzzling thought. But its there. I watch the road signs and try to figure out if we are going the right way by peering over at the map from time to time, it was only when we drove through the town "Elton-on-the-hill" (I kid you not) when i gave up all hope.
"We're about halfway now" Adam says as he pulls into a petrol station to top up his tank. Me and Lee watch as he goes to pay in the deserted petrol station, in the middle of nowhere, somewhere near Elton-on-the-hill, wherever the hell that is. The terrifying looking clerk at the desk, looks like he might snatch up Adam and take him away to be his wife. We talk through the possibilities and devise a plan, in the event of such happenings. Adam returns unscathed, but looking a little emotionally traumatised. "Weirdo". he says getting in the car and driving us away again. A few hours later, after driving down far too many 'High casualty roads' in the dark, (Presumably high casualty because they were covered in cute but troublesome rabbits), we see the sign for Skegness. Cheers go round the car. 50 Miles. 32 Miles. 35 Miles. 16 Miles. 102 Miles. It didn't make sense, so we just followed the signs pointing out funny street names as we went. Most of them including 'dyke' but my personal favourite 'Bell end'. At 23:59 Lee claims he can see the sea, which i personally think was a lie because we were surrounded by fields, but if that's what he wants to believe, i'll let him. We arrive at the beach car park at about 00:30. We get out of the car, unbelievably excited by the sand and race down onto the beach. Lee bends down and touches the sand, he doesn't laugh. Liar. We stand in view of the sea trying to get some pictures of us with the sea, but it's far too dark and the camera on my phone's flash is terrible. "Damn"
"We'll get some photos in the morning then. Good ones... I can see the sea!"
We've been standing in front of it for ten minutes Adam."
"Oh." We go back to the car and start driving around town looking for a good place to park up for a few hours to have a sleep. Lee gets uncomfortable at this point and wants to drive home.
"We've only been here for 10 minutes, we can't go back now"
"What about if we stay in a travel lodge or something?"
"Ok". So we drive around town looking for a hotel of some description, which in Skegness isn't hard to find, however finding a hotel that doesn't look like old people are dieing inside is a different story. "No net curtains. No net curtains. I don't want to stay anywhere that has net curtains".
"We'll find somewhere without"
"Look that one is only £18 a night".
"It has net curtains". I had to agree with Lee at this point. Every one of the hotels were scary looking, and they all had net curtains. So we resorted to our first plan of sleeping in the car. We pull up in a car park, find a deserted spot and park up. We wrap up in blankets and Adam puts on his dressing gown. "I'm scared". Lee says as we sit in the dark.
"It's okay Lee, i'll lock the doors and put on the alarm, if anyone tries to open the doors, or start up the engine, the alarm will wake us up"
"Okay". So we try to go to sleep. I try to get comfy in the back seat, seat belts digging into my back, and finally after about an hour, at about 01:00 I manage to fall asleep. What seems like 30 seconds later i'm woken up by Lee screaming. "Adam! Adam! There's a man! Adam! There's a man!". I jump up and look out the window a car has pulled up next to us. I see no man, but Lee is still shouting. "Adam! There's a man! Adam!". To which Adam, in his sleep deprived state, puts in the key and starts the engine. The alarm goes off and we speed off out of the car park. I can only assume if the people who pulled up next to us weren't in fact trying to kill us, then the spectacle of this would have been hilarious to them. "I want to go home". Lee says again, and Adam agrees to drive us home. "We didn't get any pictures" he says with a sad expression. "I'll make it up to you". Lee replies. We drive out of Skegness and back towards home. "Adam." Lee says looking over at Adam still in his dressing gown. "Yes Lee?"
"You look like a gay wizard".
"Thanks Lee. That's really helpfull" At which point we go past a speed camera 20 mph over the speed limit. The speed camera goes off and snaps a picture of his car. "Great.. i'll be getting a fine for £70 and 3 points on my license now".
"At least you got a picture". And a funny picture it will be. Me lieing in the back, Lee mocking Adam, and Adam in his dressing gown. Good times.
Saturday 16 January 2010
Security to the dance floor please... And wear something nice
So it's Lee's 20th birthday in a few days, and as its mid-week we decide to do something at the weekend, as you do, to celebrate. So we decide we'll go to NG1 in Nottingham. Me, Lee and Adam. Sounds like a plan, drinks before hand, giggles and youtube. The usual. So we get on the bus. "Is Nottingham really dangerous?"
"No.. It's fine" i say unconvincingly, following it up with a story about a man who got his jaw smashed in because 'He reconned he didn't have the time'. There is a silence after i finish this story, and two terrified faces, so i continue. "We'll be fine, we'll go straight to Ng1 and stay there till we come back, it's a gay place, there's never violence in a gay club"...
So we totter around Nottingham for a while, waiting for the club to open, and when it does... we are embarasingly the first people there. We have a few drinks "Bargain" Lee says sarcasticly through gritted teeth as he hands over a tenner in exchange for three bottles. After a while it starts to fill out and the three of us end up on the dancefloor. We are dancing away to 'fight for this love' when a not-so-accesively-attractive-but-attractive-enough-to-have-a-dance-with-boy starts eyeing me up. I go and dance with him, and get bored after about a minute. I turn away to go back to Lee and Adam when the three of us are drenched, in an annonymous liquid (presumably alcohol, but the terrifying thought of Frankie goes to Hollywood's 'Relax' music video springs to mind - Youtube it if you don't know what i'm talking about). So we are drenched, in an annonymous liquid, that seemed to come from no where in vast quantities. Before i can say anything, the boy i was dancing with, no less than fifteen seconds ago, is pulled to the floor and starts having his face, there is no better word to use, minced by an angry queen's fists and boots. I feel like i should get involved, so when other people try to pull him off, i do to. Luckily Lee drags me back, i cling to him and the three of us stand in awe of this 'gay fight' like terrified kittens as they pummel each other by our feet. The fight starts to expand as friends help friends and the whole thing ended up like the sugababes, by which i mean none of the original members/fighters were there by the end, as the first had got bored and moved on. The fight only goes on for about five minutes before the campest voice i have ever heard sounds out over the club tannoy - do they have those? "Security to the dance floor please, security to the dance floor". Now i've known some camp people in the very short nineteen years of my life, but nothing compares to this. It really would not have surprised me if he followed this up with "And wear something nice!". He didn't however and the fight was broken up. "There's never violence in a gay club" i hear my own words said back to me.
"I think it's time we leave".
"No.. It's fine" i say unconvincingly, following it up with a story about a man who got his jaw smashed in because 'He reconned he didn't have the time'. There is a silence after i finish this story, and two terrified faces, so i continue. "We'll be fine, we'll go straight to Ng1 and stay there till we come back, it's a gay place, there's never violence in a gay club"...
So we totter around Nottingham for a while, waiting for the club to open, and when it does... we are embarasingly the first people there. We have a few drinks "Bargain" Lee says sarcasticly through gritted teeth as he hands over a tenner in exchange for three bottles. After a while it starts to fill out and the three of us end up on the dancefloor. We are dancing away to 'fight for this love' when a not-so-accesively-attractive-but-attractive-enough-to-have-a-dance-with-boy starts eyeing me up. I go and dance with him, and get bored after about a minute. I turn away to go back to Lee and Adam when the three of us are drenched, in an annonymous liquid (presumably alcohol, but the terrifying thought of Frankie goes to Hollywood's 'Relax' music video springs to mind - Youtube it if you don't know what i'm talking about). So we are drenched, in an annonymous liquid, that seemed to come from no where in vast quantities. Before i can say anything, the boy i was dancing with, no less than fifteen seconds ago, is pulled to the floor and starts having his face, there is no better word to use, minced by an angry queen's fists and boots. I feel like i should get involved, so when other people try to pull him off, i do to. Luckily Lee drags me back, i cling to him and the three of us stand in awe of this 'gay fight' like terrified kittens as they pummel each other by our feet. The fight starts to expand as friends help friends and the whole thing ended up like the sugababes, by which i mean none of the original members/fighters were there by the end, as the first had got bored and moved on. The fight only goes on for about five minutes before the campest voice i have ever heard sounds out over the club tannoy - do they have those? "Security to the dance floor please, security to the dance floor". Now i've known some camp people in the very short nineteen years of my life, but nothing compares to this. It really would not have surprised me if he followed this up with "And wear something nice!". He didn't however and the fight was broken up. "There's never violence in a gay club" i hear my own words said back to me.
"I think it's time we leave".
Friday 15 January 2010
Three puffs and a sat-nav.
{After driving around in circles for a good fifteen minutes}
Lee: We need to turn left at Virgin gym.
Me: You mean the one we passed five minutes ago?
Adam: *sigh*
Lee: We need to turn left at Virgin gym.
Me: You mean the one we passed five minutes ago?
Adam: *sigh*
Thursday 14 January 2010
Trainer Shopping
I walk into 'Footlocker' which obviously is out of my comfort zone, to buy a pair of purple and black nikes i had been eyeing up. I ask the rather cute salesman if i could try them in a size 10. He brings them over. While i try them on he starts talking to me about insoles and 'air max' i have no idea what he is talking about, i nod along smiling, wishing i had the money to buy the £235 pair of D&G trainers i had spotted in a magazine earlier in the week, so that i wouldn't have to endure this ridiculous 'straight man' talk. "So do you play a lot of sport then?" he asks me as i'm looking for a mirror to look at myself in the trainers. "Erm. no". I answer
"Really? You look like the type"
{Awkward silence}
"But... I'm wearing a scarf... in a parisian knot"
{Even awkwarder silence}.
I buy the trainers and vow to do all shoe shopping online from now on.
"Really? You look like the type"
{Awkward silence}
"But... I'm wearing a scarf... in a parisian knot"
{Even awkwarder silence}.
I buy the trainers and vow to do all shoe shopping online from now on.
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